Have you ever felt like you’re always chasing after others? Felt like the ending is never within sight, there’s always people that is in front of you, faster than you. It’s like you’re always the one at the back, trying your hardest to make up for the lost time you made at the start, but it doesn’t help.
That’s how I’m feeling right now, with every passing day, every passing month, I feel that my friends are always in front of me. Yes, friends. Not opponents, enemies or competitors. The people that are closest to you are the ones that deals the most impacts to you. I’ve yet to enter army, but friends of my age have already entered or even counting the number of days to their ORD. I know, my time will eventually come, but I just can’t help but to feel like I’m at the back. I am still in my tertiary education while my friends are entering the work force, one by one, leaving the studying life for good. It’s not that I want to go out to work asap, but it’s more like I don’t really like to be left behind.
Now that people from my course are leaving for their overseas internship, this mix feeling me not having to fly over is making me really confused. There’s a tinge of sadness and happiness beneath all that I’m feeling. It’s like I’m really glad that I wasn’t selected for the overseas thing, but then again, I wish I was selected so that I can leave this wretched country for a good 5 month. It’s like I’m happy I don’t have to face the independence of being alone without the comfort of returning home and greeting my family members yet I’m sad that I can’t get to experience the life of being independent and see if I can study overseas on my own next time.
A thousand and one things going on my mind is a little exaggerating but there’s definitely more than one item on my mind at once right now. Many times I would like to just appear in front of my friends for just that brief minutes to catch up and get to know how they’re doing. But my laziness and lack of personal transport together with everybody’s busy schedule makes it really hard. The meetup might even be a one-sided thing of me wanting to meet them and vice versa. It’s that one text/ call that decides whether it even happens or not, but it’s just so difficult to send it out.
Wouldn’t it be good if when we grow up, we keep the courage and guts inside us ? The considerations of the consequences that our actions does are keeping us from doing great things. We tend to think and over-think which leads to nothing ever being done.
We might have started at different time and will probably end at a different point, I’m just glad our path crossed.
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