12. Effort.

Whenever I’m here, it just means that I’m at the time where I feel really, really alone. The type where you have no idea who to turn to; even when you have somebody in mind, you’re afraid you’ll be a burden to them. I’m experiencing it right now, like its my fault that the things way are. Like everything that should go my way doesn’t, and nothing seems right at all.

Sometimes, when you put in so much effort, throw in so much time to commit and make sure that it is the best of your knowledge and skills, it just ain’t enough. Like there will always be someone, somewhere out there better than you even though he is not putting in any effort. Like your 101% is not even equivalent to his 10%, everything you do is just a waste of your time and other people’s time. Have you ever felt like your existence alone is a waste of time and space, a burden to the society? With a pitch black of a future, how do you expect to see yourself being an asset to the country?

Maybe, just maybe, the light is out there, somewhere, deep in the dark, waiting for you to see it, to find it. Or it could be just a facade, a bluff, where when you reach that light, you realize that it is actually a train, a car about to coming hitting you. After all the strength, time and effort that you threw in to find that light, you get throw off again. Out into the dark, even deeper this time, without any source of clue, without any hints and guidance. All alone, right in the middle of this pitch black darkness.

Pray for the best, expect the worst. What if prayer does not work and no matter how much you expect yourself to fall, you just fall deeper than you can ever imagine? A new found monster devouring you from the inside.

Maybe, just maybe, there is a way, a straight path to death.

11. One step behind.

Have you ever felt like you’re always chasing after others? Felt like the ending is never within sight, there’s always people that is in front of you, faster than you. It’s like you’re always the one at the back, trying your hardest to make up for the lost time you made at the start, but it doesn’t help.

That’s how I’m feeling right now, with every passing day, every passing month, I feel that my friends are always in front of me. Yes, friends. Not opponents, enemies or competitors. The people that are closest to you are the ones that deals the most impacts to you. I’ve yet to enter army, but friends of my age have already entered or even counting the number of days to their ORD. I know, my time will eventually come, but I just can’t help but to feel like I’m at the back. I am still in my tertiary education while my friends are entering the work force, one by one, leaving the studying life for good. It’s not that I want to go out to work asap, but it’s more like I don’t really like to be left behind.

Now that people from my course are leaving for their overseas internship, this mix feeling me not having to fly over is making me really confused. There’s a tinge of sadness and happiness beneath all that I’m feeling. It’s like I’m really glad that I wasn’t selected for the overseas thing, but then again, I wish I was selected so that I can leave this wretched country for a good 5 month. It’s like I’m happy I don’t have to face the independence of being alone without the comfort of returning home and greeting my family members yet I’m sad that I can’t get to experience the life of being independent and see if I can study overseas on my own next time.

A thousand and one things going on my mind is a little exaggerating but there’s definitely more than one item on my mind at once right now. Many times I would like to just appear in front of my friends for just that brief minutes to catch up and get to know how they’re doing. But my laziness and lack of personal transport together with everybody’s busy schedule makes it really hard. The meetup might even be a one-sided thing of me wanting to meet them and vice versa. It’s that one text/ call that decides whether it even happens or not, but it’s just so difficult to send it out.

Wouldn’t it be good if when we grow up, we keep the courage and guts inside us ? The considerations of the consequences that our actions does are keeping us from doing great things. We tend to think and over-think which leads to nothing ever being done.

We might have started at different time and will probably end at a different point, I’m just glad our path crossed.

10. Promises.

Perhaps I’m the rare few people of the era that still holds promises really high up, like once you made it, it’s a MUST to keep it. I can’t stand it when people makes promises like its nothing. Does it really mean nothing to them when they make it ? If that’s the case, aren’t they just toying with the other’s party feelings ? I mean like seriously, a person makes a promise because it means something to both party, like a treaty or a contract. So if one party voids the contract, shouldn’t there be a punishment or something ? 

That rush of complicated feelings is really unbearable. There’s no one word to describe how it feels. It’s like feeling disappointed, upset, betrayed, despised, toyed, cheated, all at the same time.You can’t figure out why the other party would do such a thing. At the same time, you’ll feel same enraged but you can’t do a thing. Nothing can be done except to suck it up. 

The closer the person making the promise and breaking it, the more hurt you’ll get. But then again, it’s also because you’re close to that person that’s why a promise is made. 

 

The people that hurts you the most are not your enemies, but your friends who are the closest to you. 

9. Bam. Year 3.

Its finally going to be the end of poly life. In just another half a year of studying and another half of internship, the life of being poly student will come to a close. It’s the start of a new semester year soon, new friends, new groups, new classmates. There’s always this feeling of anxiousness with a little bit of fear. Fear of the new class, teachers, classmates and subjects. It’s these little things that makes up the class but also the things that makes it hard to handle.

In about a few hours time, school will commence, the life of a student will begin. The ‘want-yet-dun-want’ kind of feeling can always be found at a time like this.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

8. That Sad Feeling.

I guess, not just girls have that ‘once-a-month-i-don’t-feel-like-talking-to-anyone-leave-me-alone’ feeling. Guys have them too. It’s just that one event that triggers the rest of the unfortunate stuff that will chance upon you. Brings one down to the bottom, unable to rise, unable to sink, stuck at that stale point. 

I’ve always been a drifter. Talked bout it with several people, blogged on this topic before too. It’s like fitting in to every group is equally easy as being pushed away. Where one does not have any sense of belongingness. Like every single time one will eat with the different batch of people where they’re a group. You’re just there, like some entertainer to them. They won’t reject you in the face, but deep in their heart, they know that you’re like a homeless soul, without a place to go, that’s why you’re accepted. 

Friends, yes. They’re all good friends but there’s also this ‘level’ to being friends. Hi-bye friend, normal friend, good friend, best friend, ‘siblings’. It’s impossible to be even at the good friend zone since there’s not even a chance to increase the amount of communication. Clique, would be the perfect to describe this scenario. 

Having one person with no/ from another clique to join is like adding seasoning to a well-cooked dish. One will never know how the taste will turn out. It could make the dish even better or even destroy the entire taste of the dish, causing the dish to fall apart. Not everyone will agree to it, awkwardness is what everyone is afraid of. 

So how does one gets into a clique ? Random much.

 

With her eyes staring right into yours, her smiling face can easily overrides the hundreds of sadness within you. 

7. Self-Consciousness

I believe, every once in a while, everyone would take sometime to review themselves. What they think of themselves and what others think of them. Then questions like ‘Why am I so short/ fat/ tall/ skinny ?’ , ‘Why are my arms/ legs so big ?’ . Naturally, we tend to answer these questions ourselves and several other questions would pop up such as ‘Does doing this works ? Can I really do it ?’

Many times, we are just being judged by society. What the society thinks is ‘perfect’ is what we sees as ‘perfect’. We would then want to pursue this ‘perfection’ so as to please ourselves or should it be , to fit in ? A normal human being having 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 nose and 1 mouth is no longer ‘enough’. One needs to acquire a pair of sparkling eyes, a set of ears that complement your face size, a sharp nose and seductive lips to be ‘perfect’.

Even the ‘perfect’ face is not enough, one needs to obtain the perfect figure and body proportion. Males have to be tall, muscular and toned while females have to be slim, voluptuous figure. Although height does not really matters for females, the length of their legs are what many are looking at. Their body might be short but their legs needs to be long. Being categorized under the short part of society automatically puts one in a disadvantage these days. When one does not reach the height limit of 170cm(5’7) in Singapore, one is short.

Who would be able to withstand all the types of criticism and looks that strangers gives off ? The type of look that one obtain, the stare down that one gets. Without even exchanging a word of speech, the looks of disgust is portrait by their body behaviour.

Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. Is it really only beholder or beholders?

6. Service Skills Methodology.

This is a “OBS-like” subject. Where you’ll start by hating it, then slowly getting used to it and finally can’t part with it. The people, the teachings, the learnings, the atmosphere, the talkings, the scoldings, the sarcasm, everything is missed.

It is a subject where you have Service Instructors instead of Tutors & Lecturers, with the Head Service Instructors being a guy with suspender +bow tie fetish and you have to look him in the face while he shouts at you if you make any mistakes. But throughout the semester, you’ll find that he scolds you without you having the ability to shoot back; meaning you’re in the wrong. His sarcasm level is extremely high too. Language power.

A subject where you’re in Polytechnic but guys have to have hair shorter than Secondary School students, girls with hair neater than the average Air Stewardess. Reporting to school before 7.30am to change into their uniform which you can’t even wear it outside. What ridiculous rules. Grooming check with fingernails, hair, shirts, apron(!), socks, shoes. Everything have to meet their standards. One tiny fingernail with the white part being seen, FAIL . One strand of hair coming out from your hair, FAIL . One folding line across your shirt/ apron, FAIL . Sock not black enough, FAIL . Thus, I failed half of the time and passed the other half. Lol.

Throughout the weeks, you’ll find many sarcasm power players, teaching you in a way that you are totally not used to it. “They are suppose to teach us, how could they shoot us down so much ?” is what usually goes through people’s mind. Yet, you have no authority to complain, no place to voice out your displeasure, your disappointment and sadness. It is like some reform camp, the usage of phone is not even allowed. Experiencing the different attitudes and behaviours of the Service Instructor and having to listen to at least 2 of them at the same time.

It is a place where you really get strengthen, both mentally and physically. Bond with your groupmates of 15-17 people, experiencing the different hardship of a F&B outlet and having your marks in proportion to your sales.

A joy and pain of being a HTM / LRM / CCM student.

With the power to take something heavy up, one needs to have to put it down gently too.

5. Leadership.

The roles of being a leader is just too huge for me to shoulder. I’m a slacker, a lazy bum, a person that try to cut every single corner, a person that goes for the easy way out. Always looking for fun, playing the roles of a troublemaker, a devil advocate. Hating troublesome stuff, I overestimated myself, trying to be the hero to safe the day, went to take on the role of Headwaiter aka Leader for the day.

I didn’t even went for any consultation, any help that I could get so easily just few days before the operations. Going for the operation empty handed, with a empty head. Thinking that 1st day is a good excuse, a good reason as to why I should be sympathised with if I didn’t do a good job. But it wasn’t the case. I should have no reason to under perform, no reason to disappoint myself, no reason to disappoint the people that have high expectations of me.

I’m always in my own comfort zone, doing every single thing at my own comfortable, calm and slow pace. That should not be the case now. Considering that I am in HTM, a course where people are all moving at a extremely fast and modern pace, where everyone rush their projects, do their assignments and hand up way before the designated time . While I’m here, wordpress-ing my time away when I have a submission in 2 days time. I have yet to even start on that.

Finding an excuse is like effortless. No mood, not the time, need to play, today is weekend, today rest & do tomorrow. Easily, 5 excuses. I am still in my own comfort zone. I need a method to step out of it. Planning is something I really sucked at. That’s why I’m stuck, like all the time. The feelings of doing things that you have no choice, it isn’t forced but it is due to the choices you made previously.

Taking the role of leader when I’m at an even more loss position that my subordinates. How hilarious can I be. Today was a disappointment, I overestimated myself.

 

Troublesome matters are the matters that help you outperform yourself, the things that pulls you out of the comfort zone.

4 – 1 More Month

Finally, a mini break on a weekend. After some tedious rushing of projects, assignments, tests, essays and what not. Most of the presentation are done with, leaving only the reports to clear. 1/4 of the weight lifted off the shoulder and *poof*, gone ^^ After this weekend will be report submissions, tests , tests and main examination :O 

Poly semesters always pass by so quickly. In just like 1 month, its the 2 months holiday already ~ Yay ~ 

3 – Head of Religion is still a human.

This is going to be in my opinion only. Nothing against anyone, dun have to hate me if we have different point of views.

Buddhist / Taoist – I believe most Singaporeans are of Buddhism / Taoism background, they’re pretty similar, I just dun know the exact difference. Well, people just go into a temple, pray to several gods’ status and that’s it. They give their donations willingly, ask for divinations and stuff like that. They won’t go around spreading their own religion and telling others to be part of them. But still, there is corruption within the heads. I have no idea what that Ren Ci Monk religion is, but I’m quite sure is either of them. He took the money that people donated to them for charity cost for personal use. Driving a luxurious car (not sure what brand), around while you’re a bald guy ? Doesn’t make sense.

Christian / Catholic / Anglican – They all pray to the one only God. Thus, I categorize them together though I know that is some differences between each of them. So yes, A group of people that goes to a church (I believe they calls it church in all 3 cases), listen to a Pastor to talk about something from the bible ? Or something similar to that. Then they carry out their prayers I believe ? But they pass this donation letter around to every participant in the compound, sort of like telling people to donate money. Although there is no forcing of having to put money in, but when you look to the left and right, everyone putting some amount of cash, you’ll feel the pressure to put some as well. With just everybody donating a small $2, how much can a church with over 50,000 followers/believers earn ? And you’ll receive the letter every sessions, which usually is once to twice a week. The amount of money that the Head will receive is an astrological sum.

I’m not saying that believing in your religion is a bad thing, it have changed many people’s life. Turning them from evil devils to humans to saints. It is the way they behave in each particular area that they want it to be their general behaviour. A religion is not a warfare kind of thing, not that the Head falls and the entire army will go into confusion and get attacked by others. It doesn’t work that way. It should be the family type of thing, where one should find the same warm feeling as when one is at home.

But the very moment you inject money into it, it is called business.

Ironic how they talk about the 7sins and yet the commit it.